Integrating physiology and pharmacology – giving nature a helping hand

Dear diary,

A few days since I wrote to you. Yes, I have to remind myself that I write on the internet. So everybody can see. Never mind. I strongly believe that it is good to have an open attitude. I don´t have anything to hide. I believe in the future, that openness leads to good changes. Transparency. Sometimes I imagine myself in ten years. What will life be like? What will I do? Many questions.

I don´t know why, but I have a strong feeling for having children. I have had it for many years. I suppose people wonder why I don’t have a family of my own. My life has, so far, been very interesting. I am very happy that I have experienced many things, especially meeting people. My life has also been terrible for a period. Even though it doesn’t look like that.

I am adopted but my parents I have are my parents and will always be. And my brother is my brother. They have supported me, even tough my life hasn’t turned out the way is usually does. My parents helped me through my depression.

I have become scared of a relationship. That is probably why I am not in a relation today. And that is why I don’t have any children. Scared, so terrible scared to get wounded. I am not interested in women. Probably people may think that I prefer women since I don’t have a man.

Ok, I could have a baby on my own. But I don’t think that is good for the child. A child is not something “nice to have”. A child deserves parents. Role models.

I love children. But first I need to find a man who would like to become father of my child. Responsibility. But the problem is that I must fall in love. And that is difficult when you have been hurt.

You cannot plan life. I thought I would be a mother ten years ago. But life turned out differently. Years passed. Still very scared of relations. Lot of anxiety of not having a family of my own. How can I find a man who is kind to me? Who appreciates who I am? I have thought a lot about this. And I know there are many women in the same situation as I am. To find somebody where it feels right. Then I can have a family.

I have come so far that I have decided that I may never have any children. My destiny. That is why I like to read and write. Life must be filled with something else. And I have always been a person who want´s to look forward instead of the other way. However, strong memories hamper me sometimes.

A few years ago I read about the possibility of preserving woman’s fertility by saving eggs. As usual, I thought a lot, is it right or wrong? Two years ago I decided that I was going to make a try. Since I have worked with integrated pharmacology, I understood the principle. And it already exists in nature. Unfortunately, there were many events that made it impossible. I was very sad. Went through the same thoughts again and ended with the goal of finding a man, a relation. A soulmate. Somebody to discuss with, read, travel, laugh…

But, you cannot plan life. That is for sure. However, again, my longing for a family became so strong that this spring, I decided to make a try for preserving some eggs. The technique already exists since many years, and has recently been introduced in Sweden.

Of course, there is the choice of adoption. But that is something I cannot do on my own. Children should be made from love. Not nice to have.

These are all difficult questions and they don’t have any good answers. Not today. Maybe in a hundred years. The world changes too quickly. Biology is not in phase with society.

I went through the treatment for preserving some eggs. I did ultrasound and I could see how my eggs grew. That was incredible to see them growing. And I felt that it was life. If something can grow, then it must be life? Even if it doesn’t divide. Now they are in Göteborg and I hope they are safe.

I am happy that I could make it alone. Future will tell if I will have a child. What is surprising are the strong instincts of protection that I feel/felt. I could give my life to give life to a child.

I could write much more. And I probably will. I suppose many people think this is something strange to do. To preserve the fertility. But, imagine seeing somebody with both legs broken. That is what I feel inside sometimes, not having a family of my own. I know that I am not alone with these feelings. There are women like me, couples etc trying to have children but not succeeding. Ups and downs. But that is life. The beauty of life. If you have never experience periods of unhappiness, you cannot know what happiness is.

Sweet dreams,

Anna