This weekend has been very nice and quite intense. Last time I wrote about how important it is to have a good sparetime. Art is one of my interests as I mentioned. And another interest is to travel. When it was discovered that I have cell changes eleven years ago I didn´t know what to do. And I still don´t know how to live my life. I will never know, I think.

I went on a journey to Cuba. Since I always has been interested in politics, Cuba was a very interesting destination. At that time, Sweden had sold some of governmental pharmacies. Previously owned by the “Staten”. To the best of my knowledge, there are only governmentally owned pharmacies in Sweden, Cuba and North Korea. Sweden has not yet fully let loose all pharmacies. In the aspect of freedom, and freedom of the people I think this is one of the questions that should be highly prioritized. Do we want to live in similar conditions?

I can tell a lot about my journey to Cuba. I don´t really know how I dared to travel alone, but I did. By coincidence I met a very nice couple who told me about “Buena vista social club”. I went to their concert and I met these friends. We danced to the music for a few hours and had very fun together. They were from Chile and Argentina. Teachers on a conference. I don´t know their names, but maybe someone will recognize and get in contact with me.

All for tonight.

Anna

Life is not only work. That is important to remember. I have always loved to do sports. Since I am getting older, I have to slow down, but I do enjoy exercise. I have written some on Facebook previously and there you can see that I am very found of art. This autumn I visited a very skilled painter, Axel Ahlsén, in Uppsala. The very first time I saw his paintings was in Heby when I waited for the bus. It was by coincidence I saw his exibition. I was so impressed. I couldn´t believe my eyes.

Please, enjoy these photos.

Anna

Since I am at home today, I challenge myself with some theoretical science. To my opinion, cancer is one of the diseases that needs attention and focus. Since I don´t know much about cancer I can only speculate. And remember, I am not a clinician, so these are just my personal thoughts. And I don´t know the literature.

First cancer needs to be defined, what is it? Uncontrolled cell division that spreads in the body which finally leads to “organ svikt” and death. How can this cell division be stopped? Why do the cells start to divide so rapidly? What is the biological sense in that? Is it a coincidence or is it a mechanism that is meant to exist?

I would start by studying the normal cell dividing process. Are the cell division processes different in different types of organs?

I believe that cancer can be studied in cell cultures. At a first stage. Then I would put something in the cells that I know cause cancer (t ex den radioaktiva isotopen polonium). I would try to find a biological marker that reflects cancer.

Of course, in vivo studies are needed. Here, the immune system plays a major role. Maybe it is that the immunesystem is weak and the allows the cancer to “take over”.

Will write more later.

Take care,

Anna

This weekend has been very dramatic in various aspects. I was looking forward a relaxing weekend a lot because it is “första advent”. However, I had a bad Chinese take away dinner, so I fell ill. Same happened two weeks ago when I had a pizza. I felt that I was about to pass away so I actually called my brother who has autism, and parents to, more or less, say goodbye. But, to your surprise, I am staying alive. Yesterday, my parents went to see me in Stockholm and we talked a lot about what happened.

Of course, this made me think a lot. Especially about my origin and where I would like to be berried. Horrible thought, but so true.

I havn´t thought so much about my origin. I know that my real father is dead. My real mother lives in Lapland. It might sound strange, but I have chosen to not to stay in contact with my “DNA family”. I am not ready for that. I am busy with my parents and brother. And I am busy trying to make my own life.

I am not sure but I think I am a quarter Swedish. Whatever Swedish is. I think I come from Norway, Sweden, Finland and Russia. At least, it sounds exotic.

It is not so nice to say “lapp” to a same. It is pejorative. It is not polite at all. And it hurts a lot. But, of course, I am too sensitive.

It is getting late so I will continue to write later.

Take care,

/anna

It is so nice to have you. My only friend. Real friend. Someone who understands me. And where I find my freedom.

I have the impression that people think that I am spoiled, that I have a good living  but; I have loans as everybody else. I have my parents, brother, auntie, her husband and Lady & Tippa. That is the best gift in life.

My brother tried to commit suicide in a terrible way. I am so glad that he survived. The good news are that he is very good taken care of today. And I call him every week and try to see him as often as I can. He has got a diagnosis and very good treatment. A new life. And that is good for me also.

What people don´t know is that I have suffered a lot in my life. I was away from life during a year. One of my most fertile year in life. I have experienced how it is to be a prisoner. No permissions. I almost went crazy. Nobody who cared for me. I was so alone. It took years for me to recover. To find some kind of life again. But this, you cannot see because it is in my inside. It has taken years for me to recover.

I have experienced so many times how people try to use me and I get nothing in return.

The reason why I sometimes is in a good mood and laughs is because I am happy that I can feel happy. I know how it feels to be on the bottom so when I feel some kind of joy I try to enjoy that moment. Is that forbidden?

I cannot help that I did not want to have kids when I was 20 years old. Biology is different in people. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. You cannot force anybody to have children. My longing for children came when I was about 30 years old. I wasn´t mature enough earlier. I am so sorry.

Of course I could go abroad and have an insemination. That is very good because then you can track generations back so there are no diseases in the family. SS.

However, I think of the child. I strongly believe that a child needs two parents. You can hate me for saying this, but since I am adopted I would´t be what I am today without my parents and brother.

I always think as an stewardess. First you have to help yourself, then you can help others. In case of accident.

The reason why I saved some eggs this autumn was that I havn´t found love. I would like to love the father of my child. And I cannot be forced to love somebody. Love cannot be explained.

I don´t think people understand how fragile biology is. These eggs are not an assurance that I can/will have children. Intellectually, it is terribly to realize this truth. And I share this with so many sisters.

I am not gay. I could never have sex with a woman. That is why.

Only a real man.

Des bissous

Anna

Nu var det ett tag sedan jag skrev. Skriver på svenska ikväll. Statistiken visar att det är få besökare på min hemsida. Så det här blir ju en dagbok. En bok som jag delar mina tankar och funderingar med och som ingen läser, eller hur?

Kvällens tema handlar om hur det är att leva som singel. Jag har varit singel i åtta år. Tiden flyger iväg. Visst har jag träffat män under den här tiden, men det är svårt att finna en soulmate på alla nivåer. Visst kan man tycka att jag har det bra, och det har jag. Men det finns dock känslor som inte kan ersättas med materiella ting eller pengar. En ledsamhet och tomhet. Jag är lycklig att jag har min utbildning som gör att jag kan hjälpa människor. Jag har räddat liv och minskat lidande för medmänniskor. Dessvärre har jag erfarenhet att människor kan vilja göra mig illa, väldigt illa. De vill önska mig allt ont som finns i hela världen. Varför förstår jag inte. Jag har oändligt många exempel.

De människorna har redan allt man kan önska sig; familj, hus, lyckliga liv etc. Så jag kan inte förstå varför de vill göra mig illa. Varför får jag inte leva mitt liv i fred?

Jag har en egenskap som jag är väl medveten om. Plikttrogenhet. Och den utnyttjas av andra. Jag tror inte att det är en förvärvad egenskap. Den är medfödd.  Jag letar inte efter bekräftelse. Jag bekräftar mig själv genom att jag vet att jag har hjälpt medmänniskor. Det är en skyldighet.

Jag tänker ibland på hur det skulle vara att ha man och barn. Jag skulle vara som en lejon moder. Eftersom jag är människa så har jag fått möjligheten att intellektuellt styra mina handlingar. Det är dock svårt att inte låta sig påverkas av omgivningen. Subliminal perception är svår att undgå.

Det var söndagkvällens tankar.

Anna