Dear diary,

A few days since I wrote to you. Yes, I have to remind myself that I write on the internet. So everybody can see. Never mind. I strongly believe that it is good to have an open attitude. I don´t have anything to hide. I believe in the future, that openness leads to good changes. Transparency. Sometimes I imagine myself in ten years. What will life be like? What will I do? Many questions.

I don´t know why, but I have a strong feeling for having children. I have had it for many years. I suppose people wonder why I don’t have a family of my own. My life has, so far, been very interesting. I am very happy that I have experienced many things, especially meeting people. My life has also been terrible for a period. Even though it doesn’t look like that.

I am adopted but my parents I have are my parents and will always be. And my brother is my brother. They have supported me, even tough my life hasn’t turned out the way is usually does. My parents helped me through my depression.

I have become scared of a relationship. That is probably why I am not in a relation today. And that is why I don’t have any children. Scared, so terrible scared to get wounded. I am not interested in women. Probably people may think that I prefer women since I don’t have a man.

Ok, I could have a baby on my own. But I don’t think that is good for the child. A child is not something “nice to have”. A child deserves parents. Role models.

I love children. But first I need to find a man who would like to become father of my child. Responsibility. But the problem is that I must fall in love. And that is difficult when you have been hurt.

You cannot plan life. I thought I would be a mother ten years ago. But life turned out differently. Years passed. Still very scared of relations. Lot of anxiety of not having a family of my own. How can I find a man who is kind to me? Who appreciates who I am? I have thought a lot about this. And I know there are many women in the same situation as I am. To find somebody where it feels right. Then I can have a family.

I have come so far that I have decided that I may never have any children. My destiny. That is why I like to read and write. Life must be filled with something else. And I have always been a person who want´s to look forward instead of the other way. However, strong memories hamper me sometimes.

A few years ago I read about the possibility of preserving woman’s fertility by saving eggs. As usual, I thought a lot, is it right or wrong? Two years ago I decided that I was going to make a try. Since I have worked with integrated pharmacology, I understood the principle. And it already exists in nature. Unfortunately, there were many events that made it impossible. I was very sad. Went through the same thoughts again and ended with the goal of finding a man, a relation. A soulmate. Somebody to discuss with, read, travel, laugh…

But, you cannot plan life. That is for sure. However, again, my longing for a family became so strong that this spring, I decided to make a try for preserving some eggs. The technique already exists since many years, and has recently been introduced in Sweden.

Of course, there is the choice of adoption. But that is something I cannot do on my own. Children should be made from love. Not nice to have.

These are all difficult questions and they don’t have any good answers. Not today. Maybe in a hundred years. The world changes too quickly. Biology is not in phase with society.

I went through the treatment for preserving some eggs. I did ultrasound and I could see how my eggs grew. That was incredible to see them growing. And I felt that it was life. If something can grow, then it must be life? Even if it doesn’t divide. Now they are in Göteborg and I hope they are safe.

I am happy that I could make it alone. Future will tell if I will have a child. What is surprising are the strong instincts of protection that I feel/felt. I could give my life to give life to a child.

I could write much more. And I probably will. I suppose many people think this is something strange to do. To preserve the fertility. But, imagine seeing somebody with both legs broken. That is what I feel inside sometimes, not having a family of my own. I know that I am not alone with these feelings. There are women like me, couples etc trying to have children but not succeeding. Ups and downs. But that is life. The beauty of life. If you have never experience periods of unhappiness, you cannot know what happiness is.

Sweet dreams,

Anna

Even though there are many years since I was involved in science, I think about it sometimes. Still curious to know if there are functional nicotinic autoreceptors. If there are, that could mean (some=many) openings for new pharmaceutical drugs.

I have a confession to make.

I did my PhD at the Department of Pharmacology in Göteborg. Everybody talked about Professor Arvid Carlsson and his huge contribution to pharmacology. So I listened to every lecture he gave in public. He was never at the department when I studied so therefore I was interested to learn from him. His experiments were very clear and distinct. I learnt that he has contributed to development to today’s beta-blockers, SSRIs, dopamine hypothesis etcetera. The list never ends… Research from molecule to behaviour.

This spring, I did something foolish. I wrote him a letter to ask his opinion “On the balance between acetylcholine and dopamine or vice versa”. If I would continue to do research that would be very interesting to study. And here, nicotinic autoreceptors could be putative targets. Since I didn’t know his address I wrote to the Department of Pharmacology. I waited. A week later I got the letter back. Returned to sender. So I felt very disappointed and stupid at the same time. So, I will not return to science.

But since I have studied the dynamics of acetylcholine you get a feeling of its behavior….

Ok, that’s all for tonight. I feel very relieved to have said this.

Have a nice evening!

Anna

Weekends pass so quickly. Don’t you agree? Listened to a very skilled organist this afternoon, Kira Lankinen playing Bach. So beautiful music. What would life be without classical concerts?

Tomorrow is a new day and a new week. And almost a new month. I have been thinking what I would like to do the rest of this autumn and winter. To find LOVE is my biggest project. And that is not easy. I don’t think I can search for love. I just have to trust destiny. I am so naive that I think love some day will cross my way and overwhelm me. I am prepared to wait. Meanwhile I will write my book. I am not in a hurry so it will be a good story. I have many ideas.

This weekend I stopped by a boutique for dogs to find out information about daycare for dogs. Unfortunately I finish work too late so they close before I get home. But luckily I see Lady and Tippa from time to time. Sweeties.

Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite

Anna

Sunday. But no sun… Rather cold. Soon going to make lunch. That is one of the ways I hopefully will loose some weight. Since I would like to achieve a sustainable weight loss I have to make small changes in daily routines. Simply, to eat healthier. But the problem is that I love to make food… No cream in the sauces any more.

I read what I wrote a couple of days ago several times. And I found out that maybe the next step to bring peace processes further is what has been done in the UN this week. A big job. To unite the world how to save the assets of earth.

Have a nice weekend and see you soon!

Anna

Begin work a little later today. Cloudy and rainy day. I like to follow the news and right now Swedish Foreign Minister Carl Bildt and Swedish Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt are in New York attending meetings at United Nations. Hope to see reports on TV.    Havn’t seen any yet.

Peace processes are very important. In this regard I think it is crucial to remember the importece of economics. After world war two, a first step was taken to build  (carbon and steel union) what today is the European Union. This summer Croatia achieved the goals of becoming a member. Today 28 countries support peace and stability in Europe and thereby also contribute to peace to the rest of the world. The greatest challenge for UN today is to negotiate for the people in Syria, still suffering a lot. And they need some speed now. People are dying.

When I visited New York I went to see Wall street which I didn’t know was so close to ground zero. Have very strong memories of horror but also a feeling that life has to move on even though terrorist attacks try to affect our lives. One way is to support fairtrading.

Take care and lots of love,

Anna

Already weekend again. Sun is shining as much as it can in Stockholm today. Lovely. Gives a good start of the day. Went to bed early so therefore, I woke up early.

Autumn has arrived. Soon wintertime 🙁

My biggest challenge this semester is to get into better shape. Have been a bit lazy this summer but sometimes that feels good as well. However, the picture above illustrates my challenge. I have to be very careful and use my mind how to reach the peak. Anyone who want’s to join? 🙂

Take care,

Anna

I am so happy, although still a bit sleepy, that I am soon going to Ingbo to meet my parents, Tippa and Lady. My brother lives in south of Sweden so we don´t see each other so often. But we often talk.

Dad promised BBQ so hopefully we will have good weather. Have stayed in Stockholm for quite a long time so it feels good to go out to the country.
Take care,

Anna